What the fuck is wrong with you people?

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Fun with Dinosaurs

Once upon a time I had $30, so I decided to spend it on fiverr.com
Fiverr, if you've not heard of it, is a website where people can whore themselves out for five dollars at a time.
I decided I would go to fiverr with a request for a bizarre image to be created in the likeness of one of my deepest fantasies the most bizarre shit I could think of.

I asked four artists to provide me the following:

"Hello, 
I would like a drawing of the following please: 
A tyrannosaurus rex wearing night vision goggles that is masturbating. He is ejaculating a laser beam, which is going to destroy the 2nd tower of the world trade center (the first is already smoking and destroyed). The sun should be in the background with a face and smiling. Please incorporate an Egyptian theme as well, some sort of pyramid maybe."

My first request was to fiverr user jeffreylloyd:

Off to a disappointing start.  Let's resubmit the drawing and remove the inappropriate bits:

Well that worked, and now for the final result!

Lackluster at best. Moving on to fiverr user Televators!

Another disappointing rejection.

Fiverr user SirKillington:

Of course I save the best for last...

Fiverr user GMChris:

That's the end of part one. I commissioned several more dinosaur themed drawings from GMChris after seeing how the first one turned out. Stay tuned!

PAXBeard Mania Day 4 and 5

Sorry Neckbeard Maniacs, there was no update on Thursday or Friday because I was busy drinking. I hope you find that this post was worth the wait! I'm proud to bring PAXBeard Mania to a close with such fine Neckbearded beasts as the specimens we have for you below:

Beards blurring by at breakneck speeds.

 It doesn't even matter that this guy doesn't have a beard. I feel dirty just looking at this picture. As an aside, apparently Asians have no sense of self preservation, as why is this girl not running away terrified? Or is she just frozen with fear? LOOK OUT BITCH IT IS GOING TO EAT YOU. Just to stay topical and relevant, I should make a joke about how this guy could have easily used his body mass to generate a tsunami and wipe out Japan or something.

We caught several Neckbeards participating in some sort of ritual. The one with blue hair seems to be the leader. He likely has the most experience points.

WELL GUYS AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE VERY EXCITED THAT YOU JOINED US FOR PAXBEARD MANIA, SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR (THUMBS UP ™ )

 Psst. Not enough PAXBeard for you?
CLICK HERE FOR MORE PAXBEARD MANIA!

PAXBeard Mania Day 3

 "WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? WHERE ARE MY VIDEO GAMES? LET ME PONDER THIS WHILE I STROKE MY BEARD WITH MY MEATY HAM FIST."

VIDEO GAMES ARE AWESOME.

PAXBear Mania Day 2: Band of Beards

Hello Beard Fans,
Another day another beard. That's how we do it here at Neckbeard Mania.
Looks like they unveiled the sequel to the hit Rockband franchise at PAX this year. It's called Beard Band. You and all of your overweight friends can rock the fuck out like real rock stars, except instead of sex drugs and rock and roll you will have masturbatory fantasies about anime, cheetos, and ... well, rock and roll I guess.

What would you call this particular beard band? Can you imagine being put in an environment where the girl(?) in red would be considered sexually desirable (PAX)? What steps are you taking to reduce your carbon footprint in a post 9/11 eco-conscious society? Post your answers in the comments!

PAXBeard Mania!!!!

New Layout, New Day, New Beard, Same Blog!

First of all, I'd like to shout out to my faithful reader base of Neckbeard Maniacs. Thanks to you guys, we were on the front page of reddit all day. Read the comments of a horde of angry neckbeards bitching offering constructive criticism about this blog and my empathy here.

Secondly, in celebration of the quarter of a million people that have viewed our beloved blog in the past 24 hours (thanks again reddit fags), NBM is now on Twitter! Follow @neckbeardmania for all of your Neckbeard Mania needs.

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your approval, the first beard of many to come in the week of PAXbeard Mania!

Look at these majestic beasts as they lead the way to boldly go where no Neckbeard has gone before (outside)!
The leader of this pack of beards walks with a purposeful stride. Almost as though sentient and socially aware, the creature ventures onward leading his band. Fiction you say? As strange as it is, the Neckbeard congregates once a year at an event known as PAX. At PAX he will find many likebearded individuals. For you and I, the curious onlooker, it is a magical and beautiful sight.
Join us tomorrow for our next installment, PAXBeard II: The Beardening.

Wrong Number

No neckbeards here, but someone sent me an SMS today. It was addressed to the wrong number. Naturally, I played along.

her: omg i can't believe you would do something like that, you broke my heart

me: you deserved it

her: omg no i didn't you jerk i deserve so much better than you

me: that will never happen in the next 6 and a half years. you also are not very pretty

her: you bastard i hate you and i hope you die alone

me: guess how many of your friends i cheated on you with? i'll give you a hint, it's more than 1

her: who brooke???

me: wouldn't you like to know, lol

her: tell meeee

me: send me a naked picture and i will

her: hell no where through you just admitted you cheated on me don't try to sweet talk me

me: i'm sorry baby we can work it out

her: that depends did you sleep with brooke or not

me: i would never cheat on you, you know that

her: LiES

me: brooke was the best lay i've ever had and frankly you've been getting fatter

me: all of your friends have been laughing behind your back

her: YOU UGLY BASTARD I DONT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME I HATE YOU AND YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANY ONE LIKE ME

me: baby I miss you let's stop fighting

her: I will never forgive you for this

me: can we have sex one last time just to say goodbye?

her: hell no you blew it you asshole

me: I think I'm in love with you. Please don't leave me.

her: You already left me when you cheated on me

me: I was thinking about you. I promise.

her: like I haven't heard that before

me: I didn't really cheat on you I was just testing you. You passed!

her: Yeaah right I've been hurt by so many people in my life that now I relize your just like everyone else

me: You are making a big mistake. We could have had something beautiful. I had our kid's names picked out.

her: I know what I'm doing

me: you have an ugly loose pussy and brooke gives great head and prostate massages

her: well i hope you 2 are happy together but im done

me: I hope you turn into a bird and then explode in an explosion of blood and feathers and then someone uses your explosion to bring tupac back to life. he's a better rapper than you will ever be and he keeps our hopes and dreams of the black planet alive

her: what